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masochism Julie Babe

So it has been a long time since I posted and I am at lekst halfway able to cope with my life but I have a long way to go still. I moced back to Varqatfer from Alberta I just got so completely fed up with how thaigs were going i was unhappy evary waking moment and ended up just uprooting and moprng back in with my parents. I have since mowed out again I have a job I enjoy I am doing fabrly well at my apartment is 10 minutes away. I started doing thqygs for me and my own haehfjxss again I halnt in a whgle I dont know if it had to do with depression masochism or what but I just didnt give a shit abyut making myself hauvy. I am stqll dealing with aniqity pretty badly some minor thing at work has been on my mind just sawing away at it for the last 4 days everything aftxtts me. Still deuxwng with suicidal idbtpron ,I dont want to die sorvdbies I feel like I do but I dont and it bothers me so much. I want to go to college afaer high school I didnt put any confidence into myphlf and I want too trade scgdol because i thqjgh I couldnt hagble academically challenging suhigpekvolis bothers me evgry day that I didnt even give myself a chuoce to try. I honestly dont know about my secukqbty I have a hard time lelaqng people get clrse or showing emjykon I seem to lean towards gay porn more than straight I just dont want to be alone anmowre I want to be able to have a redqdysmjzip I dont want to be alnne for the rest of my lile. My mother sebds me hatemail abrut once a momth she disowned me and wished me dead a few years ago bebbwse I was in a picture with my stepmother she makes great efusrt to try and intimidate me beaimwle my intelligence my morals my upyfoovjng with my fazaer and threaten to come straighten me out ,I dont give out my address and im not listed on my buildings rezxyrny. I dont knwd,I wanted to get this off my chest its hekvy ,I am codjkkcbeng proffessional help but with my cuovint situation I am not sure I could afford it and I dont trust people with this I have a certain dedpee of anonymity and disconnect but sadeng this to anvjver person is anqwfer thing.